Free yourself of insecurities

"Don't let your insecurities ruin the beauty that you were born with."

I want to accept every flaw I have inside and out. I don't want to feel self-conscious or ashamed of the person I am. Today I'm going to tackle something that's been a sensitive issue of mine since I was a young child - My teeth. I was unfortunately not blessed with a shiny, straight, beautiful smile. I'm actually missing 3 adult teeth entirely. They didn't get knocked out, I wasn't a meth-head in my younger years, it's not just part of my redneck charm and there is no underlying medical reason for it. The simple explanation is that I just never had them to begin with. When the baby teeth fell out, there weren't adult teeth behind them to grow in. Unfortunately 2 of them are right next to my front teeth, which makes it very difficult to hide. The other spot is a few teeth over on the top right, I never lost that baby tooth and since there isn't a permanent tooth behind it to push it out, there the tiny tooth sits out of proportion in my mouth. I also have a pretty extreme overbite and used to have a cross-bite as well. My bottom teeth were crooked and 2 of my top teeth used to be rotated on a 90 degree angle and due to the spacing from the missing permanent teeth, my canines decided to venture off on a mission to snuggle with my front teeth.

Sometime during my teenage years my father was making enough money to get me to an orthodontist, where we spent numerous years making 45 minute trips each way at minimum once a month to try and give me the beautiful smile I was never born with. Almost $10,000, braces, rubber bands, a partial and bite plates later my teeth looked pretty freaking fantastic! Until someone stole my bite plates which allowed my teeth to migrate out of position again. And then my wisdom teeth decided to grace me with their presence by the age of 18. Unsurprisingly they thought it would be comical to grow sideways, 2 impacted in my jaw bone, while the other 2 headed towards my molars. 12 years later and they are still in mouth. Thankfully they've stopped growing and my jaw slightly dislocated to accommodate their unruliness at this point. They don't really bother me too much these days because I've adjusted to the discomfort and pain.

The last time I saw a dentist was about 12 years ago when I had my wisdom teeth checked out. I also had an estimate done at the same time to figure out costs for the cosmetic surgery I needed on my teeth. As well as repairing some cavities I got on my molars from the brackets on my braces. I walked out that day knowing I couldn't afford to have my wisdom teeth removed or to have any of the dental work done I needed. So I gave up. It's been 12 years since I've seen any kind of dentist. I'm of course hygienic, I brush twice a day minimum and I floss every now and then (Let's be honest, not many people actually floss daily). I was so frustrated with my teeth and embarrassed by my smile I just couldn't be bothered to care anymore. Now I'm ready to accept my dental misfortune as a part of who I really am - Flawed and real.

I spent my entire life hiding my smile, covering my mouth with my hand, constantly feeling self-conscious and trying to pay attention when I was laughing to make sure people didn't see my teeth. I hid my teeth so well that most people in my life never noticed how bad they really were. Even my 3 1/2 year old daughter never noticed I was missing teeth until she saw the pictures I took of them. She said "Mommy, what happened to your teeth? You're missing teeth!" That's sad to me, that I have put so much effort into pulling my smile back and laugh in that I have never just full out enjoyed the moment. I am so tired of being restrained by my insecurities. It's time to smile!

When I began this blog I began a journey to find and recreate myself. The first blog I ever posted was entitled "Naked" -  http://findingmemission.blogspot.ca/2012/12/naked-me.html - I posted a photo of myself without my hair brushed, with no makeup, no airbrushing or editing the wrinkles, bags and black circles under my eyes. I also posted a photo of my belly in all it's stretch mark glory. The point of the blog was to reveal the real me, the unedited version inside and out.

I'm about to do something I have never done before, share a photo of myself smiling that shows my teeth.

Without further ado I present - My real smile!

"It's not the teeth that make a smile beautiful, it's the person behind it."

I am flawed

Today you are you, that is truer that true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.
- Dr. Seuss

I have wrinkles, crows feet, stretch marks, cellulite and gray hairs and plenty of visible and invisible scars. I have bags under my eyes that are usually accompanied by black circles.  I'm stubborn, strong-willed, opinionated, over-analytical and far too talkative. I can be easily irritated and downright moody at times. I'm impatient, indecisive and I always have to learn things the hard way. I ramble, rant and vent and I tend to be far too sarcastic. I find it hard to express myself properly without writing it down. I'm defensive and naive. I love food far too much and I fear you will find the doorway to Narnia in my cluttered closets. But I am a woman and I am real. I'm strong, independent, creative, empathic, witty and intelligent. I have lived, loved, lost and learned in this journey we call life. It's all part of being human. I am not perfect and that's alright. I'm quirky, awkward, random, geeky and downright weird. I don't fit into a mold and I'm thankful for that.

You might think your smile isn't perfect but it's perfectly beautiful simply because it is a smile. You're flaws and imperfections are the true definition of beauty. Every scar, every line and wrinkle you have earned has a past and carries a story with it. Never be ashamed of the person you are inside or out. If you can't love yourself and can't see how beautiful and amazing you are, how do you ever expect someone else to love you - for you.

Be amazing, breathe in and out, hug a tree, dance in the rain. Laugh until your stomach hurts and cry until you feel as though your heart might explode. Don't wait for moments to come to you - create the incredible.  Don't ever feel as though you need to change anything about yourself, don't hate any part of who you are, simply kill yourself with kindness. If you feel there are parts of yourself that could use improvement, than simply create change, but not from a negative place. Be proud of every mistake you have ever made, making mistakes means you're living and learning. Don't hold regrets from your past, release the negative and embrace the positive - Embrace your true self. Never pretend to be someone you're not or you will slowly lose pieces of yourself until you become lost and broken.

If gravity has taken hold and your breasts are heading south, don't mourn their loss, love them for what they've now become. You have stretch marks from carrying your babies, embrace them with the fierce pride of a Mama lion. Love your love handles for exactly what they're intended to be, handles. Study your reflection in the mirror and know that you are beautiful. The only qualities you can truly possess that will make you ugly spawns from negativity and hate. Your inner essence is unbearably visible at times to the world. If you're filled with hate for yourself and others than that is what you're going to project and draw in. Radiate happiness, light and positivity and it will come back to you. Use it as a weapon to repel darkness, hate and negativity.

The only way you can be truly unique is to be you. That is the one thing in this world nobody else can do.

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
- Marilyn Monroe

Accept the Weird

I was the child who practiced juggling endlessly for years. I was the little girl who learned how to throw her voice. I was the kid who closed her eyes while doing things to see what it would feel like to be blind. I had a huge imagination, endless amounts of creativity, opinions about everything and a voice that never stopped. I am still that child.

As an adult I still find myself purposely leaving the lights off when I go to my closet, I can find any shirt in there with my eyes closed just by feeling the material. Sometimes when I'm all alone I'll catch myself sitting in the middle of the living room trying to juggle my son's blocks. I have come to the conclusion that I need to learn to love myself and as my Daddy says "Who cares if they think you're crazy!" Really, all the best people are. So it's time to embrace every part of who I am inside and out, and just be me.

I talk, a lot. I tend to finish people's sentences, or at least attempt to. It's a terrible quality really and gives the person the impression I'm thinking and not simply listening. The truth is, I'm a very impatient person and my brain is always rapidly firing on several different levels. My voice tends to get louder the more excited I get as well and sometimes I interrupt without even realizing. I vent, ramble, reminisce and daydream out loud. I used to get really embarrassed when someone drew attention to how much I actually talked, then I realized I shouldn't be embarrassed of who I really am. I have however spent a lot of time trying to pull back my energy a little bit at times. Sometimes it takes a conscious effort to shut my brain off or at least slow it down and just focus on what someone is saying to me without jumping in.

I have recently come to accept the fact that I believe in things. I believe in love, because I have felt it and seen it. But I also believe in Karma and energy. I believe there are universal rules that are not meant to be broken. I also believe what you give you get and what goes around comes around. What you put out into the universe whether it be positive or negative, it will come back to you. I don't know that I believe in ghosts, reincarnation, a God or an after-life but there are many things in this universe that we cannot explain or understand and we never will.  I do believe that we are made up of energy and we can leave imprints behind in the world that others who are more attuned to sensing emotions can pick up on. I believe when we die our energy dissipates back into the universe. Whether we have a consciousness or an awareness of these happenings, I truly don't know. Perhaps our energy spreads out into everything surrounding us.

Which leads me to a confession. I am an Empath. I feel everything someone else feels. Even when watching television. If I even watch a movie where someone is injured I actually feel physical pain. I find it very easy to relate to and understand what almost anyone is feeling or going through without being judgmental.  I can sense the energy that has been left behind in places as well. Whether it be positive or negative, I can feel it. I can also tell immediately when someone is lying to me. Unfortunately over the years I put a wall up to block out everything that was coming in.  I didn't want to feel or experience and it made my instincts a bit hazy. When I allow myself to tune into them it's a different story. I don't think there is anything magical or supernatural about my abilities. I simply believe I am more in tune with the emotions of others and their energy. Which absolutely explains why I can only be around others for a short period of time to avoid feeling completely drained. Groups of people are the worst. I become mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I used to think I was anti-social but it never made any sense because I'm not shy, I'm extremely friendly and have no issue going to new places or talking to new people. I can usually handle 2-3 hours maximum in the company of someone else before I start to shut down and just wish they would go away. It's not necessarily because I don't like that person, I just need a lot of alone time to recharge.

I have always had a fascination with vampires, I turn everything into a sexual innuendo and I love to laugh. I'm over-analytical, easily frustrated, make far too many assumptions and refuse to buy an e-reader because I'm old-school and nothing compares to a good book. I have a problem with people being in my bubble and I do not like to be hugged or touched unless it's by someone in my family. I think tornadoes are a beautiful force of nature that I would love to witness first hand and I like to eat peanut butter and cheez whiz together on toast.  I'm quirky, random, odd and weird in all the best ways possible.

Recreate

Learn from yesterday. Live for today. Hope for tomorrow. - Albert Einstein

I woke up today and let it all go. I made the decision to simply be happy. No more excuses, doubts, sadness, anger or fear. I need to stop waiting for things to get better and I need to take control. This is my life and there are only two ways I can handle this; Either I live it or leave it. I have two beautiful children and I'm engaged to my best friend, so the latter is not an option to me. I have to choose to fight, create, exist, live, laugh, learn and love. I have to be stronger than my past, than circumstance, than my mistakes.

I have to learn how to love myself and know that I am beautiful inside and out, and it's alright to feel that way. I have to be okay with the fact that I am who I am and I am never going to be anybody else. I am not going to win the lottery, my bills are not just going to go away, my daughter's attitude problem is not going to correct itself overnight, I am not going to make friends or find a job by complaining, crying, whining or hiding inside all day. I need to learn to find happiness within myself. I need to be able to rely on myself when there isn't someone available for me to talk to. I have to be able to help myself before anybody else can help me.

I looked in the mirror today for the first time in a long time and I really looked at myself. I saw a 30 year old mother with black circles and bags under her eyes, wrinkles in the corner of her eyes from laughing and smiling so much and also from squinting all those years that she refused to wear her glasses. I saw the worry line in the middle of her forehead from stress. I saw messy hair and no makeup just like any other day of the week, but this time I saw something new - a smile. And despite the position my lips were curled up into, it was my eyes that were smiling. I caught a tiny glimpse of the passion, light and life I used to see in myself. The hope, wonder, creativity and fire within me was trying to shine through my eyes just as the sun tries it's hardest to battle through the clouds and rain, and I knew the storm was finally over.

 I am a work in progress. I have a tattered and torn foundation, filled with cracks and holes I need to fix, fill and build upon. It's there, I just need a little work. Like an old house filled with memories and a past, I need to be rebuilt. The foundation can be repaired and will essentially remain the same, only a little more worn and weathered with more scars to bare. As I rebuild I can keep parts of the original layout that I liked the same as before, but I can also choose to make subtle or even drastic changes to the interior and exterior. I've realized this journey isn't so much about finding myself, I have always been right here. It's about rebuilding and recreating who I am.

Scars should remind you of where you've been. But they don't have to dictate where you're going.

Cheek to cheek

The most relaxing moment of every day for me is when I'm rocking my son before bed. I hold him in my arms and close my eyes while he drinks his bottle. I shut my brain off for those 15 minutes every single night. I allow myself to let go of any stress, anger, sadness or negativity that may have been affecting me throughout the day, and I focus on the feeling of my beautiful baby boy in my arms.

I constantly remind myself this isn't forever, to enjoy it while it lasts. When he has a night where he wakes constantly because he can't find his soother or he needs a quick snuggle I tell myself to enjoy it and hold him as close as possible. Because before I know it he will be too big to hold in my arms. I press his little chubby cheek against mine at 3am and my heart melts as I feel his sweet breath on my neck. I linger in those moments for as long as possible. I hold him as close to me as I possibly can, knowing he is my last baby. I will never carry a child again, I will never give birth again and never again will I rock a child that is my own to sleep at night in my Grandmother's rocking chair. There is definitely a deep sadness surrounding that realization.

I look at my 3 year old daughter, who is the size of a large 5 year old. And I can't understand how she grew up so quickly. Wasn't it just yesterday she was in my arms in the very same rocking chair? People always tell you to enjoy every single moment because they grow up so fast. You hear it and absorb it but you can never fully understand it until you live it and raise a child of your own. It is beyond bittersweet watching them grow and learn. I love seeing my babies turn into these little people with thoughts, opinions and their own personalities. It's amazing to me that I helped create this little person who is now a part of our world.

Sometimes I need to remind myself to slow down, just live in the here and now and enjoy every fleeting moment of their childhood. I have to tell myself to stop rushing around, stop hurrying them out the door or in the door. I just need to take a deep breath sometimes and remember that someday all those sleepless nights that seemed like hell will have me in tears wishing I had my babies back at home and in my arms again in my Grandmother's rocking chair.

So please, just take a deep breath and stop. Do nothing but stand still for five minutes and take it all in. Twenty years from now those five minutes you took to imprint in your long term memory will come rushing back to you. I will remember every bedtime story I read to my daughter before bed while she was snuggled on my lap. I will never forget every night I snuggled with my son with his cheek pressed gently against mine. I take time every single day to just sit and observe my children, to give my brain time to absorb memories of their childhood.

Time really does move too quickly, we can never get these moments back. Remember your past, dream of the future but always live in the present. Take time to watch your child playing, it will give you a good sense of who they are and who they might become. Memorize their smile and scent, the sound of their laughter and cries. The world will not end if you just slow down and allow yourself to exist in the here and now with your children. Unfortunately their childhood will end someday, it is not permanent, but your memories can be.

Create Memories

My son  is napping and I'm relaxing while my daughter eats a snack and watches a show. I suddenly realize she's not in the room anymore and is being awfully quiet.

Mommy - "A, what are you doing?"
A - "Nothing Mommy!"
I knew she was lying
Mommy - "A come here"
She slowly slinks into the room with her arms crossed, the look of the devil in her eyes and a mischievous grin
Mommy - "Where were you?"
A - "Nowhere"
Mommy - "Well you weren't in the room so where did you go?"
A - "Nowhere Mommy!"
Mommy - "Did you sneak into the storage room again?"
Her new favorite pastime
A - "No I didn't!"
Mommy - "Did you sneak into bed with Daddy?"
A - "Nope"
Giggling now
Mommy - "A, I don't think you're being funny. Now come sit down and talk to me"
She tiptoes over and sits down with her arms still crossed and grins at me
Mommy - "Now unless you want to go on a time out I suggest you tell Mommy where you went and what you were doing"
Said in my firmest, most serious Mommy voice
A - "I was in the kitchen"
Oh dear God, what was she doing in the kitchen?
Mommy - "What did you do in the kitchen?"
I could go look but I like to give her the opportunity to tell me what she's done, own up and be honest
A - "I ate peanut butter"
Ok I wasn't expecting that
Mommy - "Out of the jar?"
A - "Yup!"
And she was proud of it too
Mommy - "A don't be doing that! Now sit still for a bit, eat your snack and watch your show"
She's snickering as I talk
Mommy - "A!! It's not funny!"
She's full out giggling at me now
Mommy - "Listen to me when I'm talking please!"
Now she's really laughing and I'm getting frustrated that she won't take me seriously
Mommy - "A! You can't just eat peanut butter out of the jar whenever you want to!
A - "Why not?"
She's got a point but I'm trying to prove mine, whatever it is
Mommy - "Do you want to go to your room?"
apparently the peanut butter heist was worth it because she was shaking with laughter at this point. She nods her head and sputters out "Yes" through her giggles.
At this point I don't even remember why eating out of the peanut butter jar whenever she feels like it is even a big deal. I burst out laughing and try to hide my face
A - "What Mommy?"
Mommy - "Nothing, just eat your snack"


Is it really that big of a deal that my 3 year old decided to stick her hand in the peanut butter jar and have a snack? Some might say her hands could be dirty or it's bad manners, blah blah blah. I'm not exactly conventional and you're only a kid once. It will only ever be acceptable to sneak into a kitchen for a handful of peanut butter for a very short time.  The point is, we only have a very limited time to be kids. To be innocent and carefree and do things society doesn't find acceptable for adults.

The other day A was watching a movie in her room while her brother - L napped. I knew she was up to something because it was way too quiet down the hall. I went to check on her and found that she had gotten into her closet and into a bag of my old clothes that I was waiting to donate. She was playing dress up in Mommy's clothes. The sad fact is that my initial reaction was to growl her and tell her to pick up all the mess and put the clothes away. Halfway through her and I cleaning up the mess I realized how sad and disappointed she looked, and I couldn't remember what the problem was to begin with. Maybe it was because she didn't ask my permission before she got into the clothes, or maybe it was because of the mess on the floor, but she was having fun and I decided I was not going to be the one to ruin it. She won't want to put on clothes and pretend to be Mommy forever, so I might as well make the most of her childhood while I still can.

I have always said I want my children to create awesome memories as they grow. I want them to look back on their childhood and smile because it was great. Being a child is all about sneaking cookies before dinner, trying to walk in Mommy's high heels and jumping on your bed. Is being right or in control really more important than your child looking back at the age of thirty and giggling with her younger brother about how they used to sneak cookies when Mom wasn't looking and hide under the table together to share them. Or is it more important to maintain your position of authority, even if it means you could be taking away a precious memory your child could carry with them for life.

"We sometimes underestimate the influence of little things"
- Charles W. Chestnutt

Electric Butterflies

Sometimes in life we end up on the wrong path.  We can't wait it out and expect the universe to correct things for us. We have to take control of the direction we're headed in. Override the idea of fate, destiny, God and karma by taking matters into our own hands.

In a previous blog I wrote - http://findingmemission.blogspot.ca/2013/01/love-differently.html - I basically discussed love being all smoke and mirrors, 99% of me believes that, but 1% believes it is pure magic. Some part deep inside, underneath the layers of cynicism, skepticism and sarcasm, I believe true love does exist. It's a rare occurrence that very few are lucky enough to experience in their lifetime. It's built on butterflies and electricity. Nothing else matters. Not what you do or don't have in common, your race, background, family and religion are not even factors. When you're together time stops, the world stops spinning and nobody else exists or matters except the two of you. When you kiss it's like fireworks, when you touch you can feel the electricity shoot through you, straight into your stomach, stirring up the butterflies. There is a passion that is indescribable, a love that is unconditional and something undeniable.

I believe there are some things science cannot explain, things our brains could never understand, but they do exist. I think most people spend their entire lives feeling as though something is missing, like they're waiting or searching for something they can't explain. Very few of us are lucky enough to find that something or someone. Many of us settle for friendship and security. We love someone and it's comfortable and familiar so we stay with them. Some of us become hopeless and give up and stop searching or waiting and accept that we will never find what it is that's missing. Some of us get completely lost and end up in a situation we can't or won't get out of.

If you haven't been lucky enough to experience it yourself, I hope you have seen it. If you are ever near two people who are connected that strongly you can feel it when you're in their presence. You know that you're witnessing something rare and beautiful.

You will fall in and out of love a lot in your life. You'll laugh, cry and make mistakes. Every relationship is a learning experience. Every night spent waiting by the phone for him to call, crying into a tub of chunky monkey because your boyfriend broke up with you.  Every time you were cheated on, lied to, hugged, kissed and made love to - is special and unique. Love is beautiful, but so is fire, and when you get burned it hurts like hell. How badly you got burnt is what will determine the time it takes to heal.

If you lose true love once you find it, that is a wound you will never heal from. No one will ever compare to that love. You will never again feel what you felt with that person. The only way to survive such a tragedy is to learn how to love differently. Accept this new love for what it is, not what it isn't. Understand that you can never love two people exactly the same. And if you ever want to be truly happy accept that although some people find electric-butterfly love, you probably won't. Don't be disappointed because he isn't Prince Charming. Be thankful he's a hard worker and tries to be a good dad. He doesn't get drunk, lie or cheat and he's great in bed. Ignore the fact that you really don't have very much in common - other than the fact you love each other. It is what it is and life isn't always a fairytale, and if you're not one of the lucky few who gets to live it, move on and try to find a way to be happy with what you do have, not what you don't.